Let Me Write Neighbours

I’ve heard the news that it’s possible Neighbours may be cancelled in the near future. If this happens, I think there’s a great window for a reboot. I would like to propose myself as the showrunner for this. I last watched an episode of Neighbours in (checks notes) 1988, but I don’t think this matters. I’ve prepared a few script pages to introduce some characters and concepts I’d like to bring to this run.

Screenshot of a screenplay-formatted page.

INT. SUBURBAN LOUNGE ROOM - DAY

Alf is sitting on a couch with a beer in his hand.

ALF
Wow, it sure is quiet here on Ramsey St since everyone except me died of the covid.

KYLIE and JASON enter.

KYLIE
Hello, we moved to Queensland a long time ago but we've come back now.
RIOTOUS APPLAUSE breaks out

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Neighbours is filmed before a live studio audience.

OPENING TITLES
I think this perfectly sets up the reboot.
Screenshot of a screenplay page:

EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - DAY

SUMMER, a teenage girl (16) sits on a bench reading a thick book titled “SCIENCE”. DYLAN, a young boy of a similar age with dark and scruffy hair walks up.

DYLAN
Reading is for losers. You’re a loser. I’m a bad boy.

DYLAN pulls out a piece of chalk and writes “BOOBYS” on the ground.

SUMMER
My dad says not to talk to bad boys, but please let me help you.

SUMMER takes the chalk and crosses through part of the word and corrects it to “BOOBIES”. DYLAN’s shirt falls off.

SUMMER
What’s heroin?
These kids will be huge stars two years after this airs, and will never speak to me again.
Screenshot of a screenplay page:

EXT. RAMSEY STREET - DAY

TROY, a middle-aged man in a suit is watching people unload a moving truck parked outside a house.

TROY
Be careful with my priceless art, you insignificant workers! 
ASH, a small boy, rides a bike down the footpath and collides with a mover who drops a large porcelain vase on the ground, which shatters. His mother, BECKA, runs up to the scene.

TROY
You awful, poor, filthy people! That vase was worth a million dollars!

BECKA (breathless)
I’m so sorry! There must be some way I can repay you!

TROY
Well my secretary recently quit for unspecified reasons. You must come and work at my mining company.

BECKA
I hope my grounded, middle-class, single parent values will not make our working relationship difficult.
We need to get Matt Berry for Troy. I will not budge from this casting choice for any reason except for budget.
Screenshot of a screenplay:

INT. TROY’S MANSION - NIGHT
TROY is drinking expensive whiskey and talking on the phone.

TROY
Hello, stock market? Yes I want you to buy all the shares of Ramsey Street and transfer them to my strip mining company ... for mining. 

Camera pans across to reveal DYLAN is standing in the room and has heard the conversation.

DYLAN
You can’t really strip mine the whole street can you ... DAD?

TROY
You’re a heartless bad boy who was raised without love or a mother, why do you care what happens?

Troy pulls out a wad of money and throws it across the room.

TROY
Here, don’t spend it on drugs ... again.

DYLAN (to himself)
If only he’d meet a good woman who could teach us both about family.
I have secretly wanted to write a scene where someone pulls out a phone and says “Hello, stock market?” for years.

If anyone reading this has a lot of cameras and money and a TV station, hit me up and let’s get this baby on the air!